Color By Numbers

She never came home from the hospital. She passed away June 8, 2016 at Cottage in the Meadow. I feel so flat. Flat about everything. No texture, no shadow, no nuance. Just flat. I test my lack of up, my lack of down. I think about you. I *know* I love you, but for the love of everything I cannot feel it.

All that I was so terrified of twenty years ago – it happened. Mama didn’t get better, she didn’t go to physical therapy, she didn’t stop smoking, she didn’t do a damn thing that indicated to me (or anyone else?) that she wanted to be alive. For awhile it seemed that Hayley would be enough. She wasn’t.

I can’t feel it. And right now I want nothing more than to sink so deep into all of it, to feel every inch of, every minute of you.

I look in the mirror, I know it is me but I don’t feel alive, I don’t feel present, but I don’t feel absent either. This is what disconnected must feel like. I don’t like it.